Thrones and Bones
Let's see, which queen is the pissiest these days? Queen of Desperate derailment Teri Hatcher? Queen of drive-through Britney? Or the Queen over in Buckingham Palace?
That last is "very upset," so I'm told by my connected and accented royal sources. Cause of grumpiness being the large cost of Prince Charles' second blowout wedding reception, this time for that Camilla gal. Whose wedding dressmakers, by the by, were "stunned" to find a pretty good bod underneath all that dowdy garb she wears. Horsing around and play whipping Charles obviously keeps Diana's old archenemy rather taut.
Queen Liz thinks something less showy after Saturday's civil ceremony would be "more tasteful and appropriate," added my titled dishers.
Keep in mind this is a head of bitchy state who runs around her palaces "turning off light switches to save money," so maybe it's not such a surprise? Nor is all this Desperate Housewives hoopla. Quite frankly, I gotta tell ya something: Taking that too-fun quiz, the one that determines just which Desperate gal you are, is a bit more interesting than watching the show, lately. Whereas I used to die waiting for the brilliant words creator Marc Cherry would send outta the gals' mouths, now I'm too busy taking (and retaking) the damn test. Keep coming up as Edie, or worse: Bree. I wanna be Susan! Don't know why, though, because you know she doesn't have the best rep.
Folks who've worked with Teri in the past are just loving all this Vanity Fair-fallout biz--you know, the reported meltdown that occurred when all five actresses were photographed for a big diva layout in the heady mag.
"I remember when she would cry and complain at events," recalled a former Hatcher colleague. "She got really upset when Salma Hayek looked prettier than she did."
But that was then. The new Teri said she did nothing to cause a ruckus at the shoot. T.H. also--strangely--has no publicist now and no attitude. At least not to moi. She's charmed the too-tight tees off me every time I've met her.
But to be fair, her costars--mainly expletive-spitting Marcia Cross, I'm told--are less than charmed by how the rest of us are so taken with Hatcher. And the VF snitfest proved it.
"It's all true," blabbed an on-set member of the photo shoot heard round the cat-fighting world. "Marcia did not want Teri standing next to her, in the center."
What I don't understand is why the hell Cross's peeps didn't get the poor self-proclaimed non-gay on the more happening cover front for the ritzy rag, instead of the d¨¦class¨¦ inside fold. Well, the poor broad must be straight. Can't think of one friggin' no-BS lesbian who'd have stood for such horrific humiliation. And on that nasty negotiation note, you do know, don't you, that it's not just the heaps o' press being shoveled at Hatcher that's making the other cast members, jealous, right?
"The five ladies are seeking a big raise," whispered an ABC source. "They wanted to go in as a group, because Teri is receiving more to begin with, but she opted to negotiate alone. The other four, especially Marcia, are not happy." Yeah, well, I'm sorry, most of the other Desperate dames didn't see their careers absolutely nosedive into oblivion.
certainly didn't notice Marcia Cross showing support in the audience when I went to see Teri try and pull off Sally Bowles in the Los Angeles stage run of Cabaret. Thought that actually might be the end for our gal Tare.
Reps, of different sorts for Cross, Hatcher and Eva Longoria had nothing to say. Too bad, because the real story--if you ask me--is whether Eva's shaggin' JC, Wilmer, Tony or Butch. Is it not? (Forget 'tude, I want dirt!)
I'm told "no" to the first two gentleman callers. What do you think on the second two?
And since we've reached the rhetorical-response portion of our weekly showdown, let's move on to that other desperate housewife, shall we? Picture Imperfect
Before we get to Britney Spears Federline and her Kevin-unit, let's take a bustup breather.
Brad Pitt, say H-town vets, has visited the set of Running with Scissors, the pic he's coproducing with former cohabitator Jennifer Aniston. And he has encountered not Jen--as seemed to be the gossipy, get-back-together plan--but ex Gwyneth Paltrow, star of the flick.
"I did overhear the hellos," whispered a supersecret Scissors source, "and it looked very much like two exes having a chance meeting on the street, with much politeness amidst the fat history between them."
No semi-canoodling was reported. Not surprised, given that I'm told by Pitt campers that the hunk ain't too damn lonely right now.
Neither is Federline...for companionship, that is. You know Mr. Spears has been in Sin City and other festive enclaves, right? Apparently--and look, I got it from more sources than Britney has hair colors--Kev has not been without rockin' company on his social visits.
So much so that word got back to Britster, I'm told by Spears loose-lippers, and her reaction made Marcia Cross look like some dainty thing by comparison. All this on top of Ms. S. reportedly being en famile.
Pro speakers for the family Federline did not return my outreaches requesting comment. Is this commentary in itself? Who the hell knows with this funky twosome.
I'm sorry, but B.&K.'s just-announced reality offering could have been the perf place to air such potential bickering, no? Too bad it's all going to consist of old footage, 'cause somebody has to pick up where Liza and David left off.
It's all so deliciously grainy, sorta like Pen¨¦lope Cruz's sandy hookup with Matthew McConaughey, no? Start up the wind machine, and read on, my dears.
Gawd, the Sahara premiere was one damn sweatfest, I'm telling ya. Backsides and spray tans were most def the theme of the evening at the Grauman's Chinese Theater in T-town. In a gown cut down to her butt crack, P. Cruz, uh, cruised the yellow charade, sans M. McConaughey, but with Tom Cruise coolness. And a camel.
"I missed my baby camel," P.C. acknowledged matter-of-factly. "That's why I came with one."