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Thu Jun 02, 1:36 AM ET

Mr. and Mrs. Smitten

Subterfuge is alive and well in Hollywood, huh? Of course, that's like saying highlights are the new lowlights, but you get my coded drift, I'm sure.

Take Brad Pitt-Jennifer Aniston poopers (who would most def lose their positions from where they poop if they were caught passing on such info) who are now, for some strange reason, choosing to tell me they knew of Brad's, er, opinion of Angelina Jolie over a year ago.

"We saw what was going on," relayed a P.-A. source. "And we were like, 'what the hell are we supposed to do about this?'" Exactly what they chose to do: nada.

"What I can't believe," added the insider, "is that the company line's still pretty much the same: Don't ask, don't tell."

This, despite beach rompings/hotel stays/photo shoots/shared benevolence bits out the wazoo over the past few months. And still, Camps Pitt and Jolie know nothing. Just friends, just coincidence, just happenstance. Just gimme a break!

"It's totally about the movie (Mr. and Mrs. Smith)," barked an Industry veteran, who smells that Pitt and Jolie are just keeping mum until their big-buck movie premieres. "Nobody's screwing with that one."

No! I just cannot believe someone would stoop to offer up (or take away) their real-time life just to make a project they're working on more commercially viable. Unthinkable.

Nutty Knots

"No, they are not engaged."

Hmmm. Which rumored-to-be-hitched hot Hollywood couple was the above statement released about?

Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise?

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher?

Pen®¶lope Cruz and Matthew McConaughey?

Jeez, if you guessed all three, you are so right on the meshuga money! Reps for all three overly exposed duos insisted to moi that recent hullabaloo stories about engagements--not to mention actual weddings in the case of Demi and her boy-man, Ashton--are "silly" and "colossally" untrue (their girlie words--not mine for a change).

Oh, and before we wax further on things cozy-controlled and Cruise headquarters, let me fill you in: A very knowledgeable--and chic--seagull (who happens to prefer her cocktails mixed by the most gorgeous waiters) told me that a famous Texas celeb (most likely Sandra Bullock) plans to be hitched up on the California coast north of L.A. End of summer.

Lips at terribly fashionable locales--which means Sandy's boyfriend, Jesse James, could spit within a foot or so of Oprah's mansion--are superbusy buzzing this instant that the bride-to-be is pulling out all the canap®¶-correct stops for a union there, come August. True, you armed 'n' dangerous dame? (By the by, you were damn smokin' in Crash. Please do more of that less cutesy fare, becomes you).

Or, Matthew McConaughey, this isn't about you and Pen®¶lope, is it? Nah.

Back to Tom. Now, remember, I said in the beginning (before anybody even smelled this story) that T.C. was planning to make a big romantic splash with a much younger cutie-pie.

And for what? Just a fling? Forget it. This is the altar-bound big league, or so I'm told. As yet, Cruise's keepers have neither confirmed nor denied said info. But don't fret. Tom's worth the wait. Don't you agree, Katie?

Well, as this week's (and last week's, for that matter) mail certainly has a thing or three to say about the state of affairs at Cruise-Holmes party land, I think I'll just let those gonzo guests have this week's say (pretty good stuff). Otherwise, read on for even stranger suck-face results.

White Wedding Lie "Oh, I'm too young too get married, get real." --Paris Hilton recently to yours truly

Now, I know you all know (too well) how I adore that raunchy richie bitchy named Paris. Pare-poo, I love to call her. But, darling, what are you thinking with this engagement biz?

Don't you have legions of lotharios to conquer and consume? Pretty please? With Nonoxynol 9 on top?

Whatev. Guess a bank account (belonging to b-f Paris Latsis) bigger than your own--which, by all gossipy records, isn't quite as damn hefty as most folks believe--changed your mind. Or is it that great cooking Latsis is so good at?

I say no duo smells as off as a boy who knows how to cook and a gal who knows how to not eat. What gives? I mean, Paris, the dude doesn't even like to party! Do people not know these basic factoids? Do the two of you, for heaven's sake?

Guess Paris is doing the sisterly thing and decided not to let sibling Nicky be the only one in the fam with a quickie marriage that went strangely--or not--awry.

But get ready for this: "She's really not that much of a party girl," sassed one of Paris' closest amigas (and I don't mean former friends, mind you). "It makes more sense than a lot of people realize."

Like any of this celeb nonsense makes sense. Take that margarita-powered union Ren®¶e Zellweger engaged in a few weeks ago in St. John. You know the bridegroom, Kenny, right? Countrified hunk of some sort (just not my sort, I know that much).

Locals in the Virgin Islands--honeymoon destination of Katie Holmes, one imagines--blab that Mr. Chesney was, until not that long before his starry hitching, seeing another babe.




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Lastest Revised Date:19 June,2005-AMR'